grace for the screw ups

Some Ariana Grande song was playing on the radio. Don't ask me which one because for one thing, I wouldn't have even known it was her if the radio dude hadn't of said so, but secondly I was too involved in trying not to spill the coffee from my mug and talking to my Savior.

This is the best conversations with him---driving in the car in between dropping off a kid at gymnastics, or taking another to a friend's house, or coming home from the grocery store (wow. felt like a mom writing that sentence. just to clarify: I'm not). I like being able to talk out loud to my Savior during these times. 

Today was no different as I talked with him, asked him questions, praised him for who he is and his trustworthiness.

On this particular car ride I was talking about this feeling of fear I've been having about my life and all it holds. I've questioned God and his purposes so many times in my short little life. In arrogance I've felt he was holding back or wasn't truly wise in his plans for me. By the grace and growth of the Holy Spirit I have come to a place where I sense such security in the Lord and his sovereignty. I trust that not only is he in control but he is good and perfectly wise in all he ordains.

So why this fear?

As we talked I realized that I am not afraid of the Lord messing up, but me. I am afraid that the Lord may share so clearly what he wants me to do and I disobey. I am afraid that I will be where the Lord has called me and not live for him in that season. I am afraid that I will let life and all the opportunities the Lord will grant me pass by.

I know the Lord won't screw anything up but I can't trust myself. 

In this current season I know the Lord has brought me here. It seems so clear. And even as my plans have drastically changed I still can trust the Lord and he has given me grace to trust that he has led me here for his good and holy purpose.

And yet... I feel like I'm messing it up somehow. I fear I'm not loving the people he has brought to me in this season well enough. I fear I am not reaching out to others enough, seeking out those around me. I fear I'm not engaged enough. Not rooting myself enough in this place and these people.

Joseph was a super prideful dude, wasn't he? He reveled in the favoritism he enjoyed from his dad. He showed off to his brothers. He made sure they knew he was awesome.

And the brothers got so irritated they tried to leave him for dead but decided instead to sell him. Okay, so Joseph really irritated them.

But the Lord used Joseph's sin of pride, his brothers' sins to fulfill his good and holy purpose.

Moses killed a guy and fled. And it was in this time of hiding that the Lord revealed himself to Moses and called him to be a leader for his people.

The Lord not only uses screwed up people he works in their screw ups. 

I rejoice so greatly in the Lord being sovereign. I cling so tightly to the truth that he is in control---even in my sin. I can be at peace that even though I mess things up my God is in control! He will lead me and guide me and His grace extends over all of my screw ups. I can rest in the fact that me being a screw up does not surprise God. He knows my frame and yet he still chose to send his son to die in my place. He still has promised to care for me. He still has decided to grant me his presence and allow me to spend eternity with him.

This is the grace and hope I find, even as a screw up.

"what man meant for evil, God meant for good" -genesis 50:20

image: source