there's a devil in me

Mama never told 'em there's a devil in me

I got a mouth full of rotten and a heart full of greed 
-the strumbellas-

It is only by the Lord's grace that I do not know what evil lays inside me. If I knew I'm sure it would push me into a dark despair I could never rise from. 

Many people believe Martin Luther didn't have that switch in his brain where he could recognize sin in his life, yet still be a functioning adult who experiences friendships and laughter. His sin overwhelmed and pushed him into constant confession and a constant state of worthlessness. 

My SFSS* Carrie gave me the book Extravagant Grace for my birthday and it is really challenging the way I think about myself and my sin and what sanctification looks like. Often I read a passage and I sit there arguing with Barbara Duguid, thinking I don't like this and I don't want sanctification to look like this and if this is how I mature in the faith then, well, I'll just stay immature, alright? And aren't these the kind of books and conversations that challenge us that are actually the sweetest gifts and really what you need?

Anyway, she said that as a parent, as a faithful parent, you try to shield your kid from stuff they just don't need to see or do. Often it becomes about them and "others." As in, don't go there because those "others" might lead you into sin. Or don't watch this because those "others" might put things in your innocent brain that are sinful. And this is good. She said her job as a parent is to hopefully shield her kid from sin as much as she can.

But often we don't tell our kids that they are sinful, depraved people who can't even imagine what evil is inside them. So then they fall into sin, into an addiction, watch porn and like it, create awful drama and can't seem to stop, hide leftover food containers in trashcans to cover their excess... they find themselves in this and are depressed because how could they do all this? They thought "others" would cause this but they find that they are the "others." 

We need to know that, as Tim Keller said, we are far more sinful than we ever would like to believe. Left to ourselves we will sin. And keep sinning. And go on in this sin. 

We feel out of control in our sin. As Paul said we do what we don't want to do and don't do what we want to do.

Yes, it is the Lord's grace that we don't know how truly wretched we are. But the crazy thing is this: God does. God knows our depths and he knows our tendencies and he knows our motives. He knows us fully, in all our sin, and yet he chooses to love us. He chooses to see us as we truly are and then give his Son, who does not sin but fully obeys his Father, as a sacrifice to take on our sin as we take on his righteousness.

And so we finish Tim Keller's thought... though we are more sinful than we ever could believe we are also more loved and accepted in Jesus Christ than we could ever dare hope.

*Super Fab Soul Sister

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