he loved us

"sometimes it scares me how little i think of the resurrection." i kept playing with her hair and nodded in agreement because i knew this absent-mindedness well and i am still wrestling with the conviction.

"easter sneaks up on me each year, and this is the best day of the year, this is the reason i have hope and faith and confidence, and it just sneaks right up on me" and the southern drawl grew stronger as her passion grew fiercer. "and sometimes i forget just how deep a sacrifice god gave up for me." and i got quieter and quieter because have i thought even once about how this precious day was only a few weeks away? have i got excited once in the anticipation? have i thanked the lord even today for his sacrifice, his gift?

everyone always tells me that the fact that god sent jesus to die, that mary had to watch her son be crucified, will mean so much more to me once i am a parent. they say once i hold my baby in my arms---that bundle that is half of me and has all of me---will make me stand in greater disbelief. that when i hear "mama" from my baby's lips i will turn to the lord and with wondering lips that ask how he could do it, how he could watch it all.

and i am in disbelief he loved us that much.

i am in the midst of a project about people and philosophy. i have interviewed a few people on some basic questions about them and their worldview and when i asked my dad what he would ask god if he could get an answer he said the most profound statement : "i have always wondered how a god who made all of the universe, a god who is so awesome and so powerful, wants to have a personal relationship with me."

and that is the mystery. that is the thing that does not make sense. because god is satisfied in himself, he did not need us and i know that me in my mess of pride and bitterness and sin surely do not benefit him in anyway, for even my best deeds are as filthy rags, so why did he look at me and my flesh and say "i want her. i love her." and even if he did have a bit of desire for me as his child, how could he have so much longing for me that he would sacrifice his son, his perfect one, his own, for me.

the gruesome murder of our savior is unimaginable. i cringe at the gore in films, so i know that seeing this slaughter in real life, seeing this blood come from the flesh of the one you know and love, would be unbearable. how can you watch your son be covered in blood crying out to why you have forsaken him?

and yet god sat and watched his son be mocked, whipped, murdered for the likes of us.

i think the most sacrilegious thing we could do is not thank him for his resurrection, not be in awe of his sacrifice. it is if we let this day pass us by, let each day pass us by, without us longing to "know him and the power of his resurrection." for how could my god let his son die when what he gained was a daughter who was selfish more than not, who forgets about him each day, who lives in rebellion to his design? my heart does not know and begins shaking with the understanding.

a father's love is deepest love and he calls us child. 

so let us drink deep in the mystery of this special day. let us not let this mystery pass us by unnoticed. for this is the way we honor him.