and the alarm goes off and the day begins and i am rushing to class and i am meeting him for lunch and i am grabbing yummy drink with her and i am rushing back to class and i am putting nose to book and i am trying to sleep but the mind is racing and finally the sleep comes and then the alarm goes off.

and each day is beautiful, isn't it? each day is a kiss, an "i love you." but just like kisses and words, some things become ordinary when done in repetition. some things lose meaning when done in the everyday living.

monday morning : "bye hon. love you." and he kisses her briefly on the lips.
tuesday morning : "love you. have a good day." quick peck.
wednesday morning : "love ya. see you at dinner." the slightest kiss because he's late.
thursday morning : "i'll pick up the kids at the doctor's this afternoon. love you." and again.

and the cycle repeats and repeats and repeats and repeats until one day when for some reason---perhaps fate, perhaps a piece of art, perhaps a tragedy---but for some reason each are jolted into realization that they do not know when their last day on this earth is and with that in mind they must choose how to live each day and suddenly each kiss is sweeter and each "i love you" said with deeper meaning and suddenly the routine is thrown out of its schedule and each day is beautiful.

but then the alarm goes off and school again? another meeting? this 9-5 job i hate? and it's so easy to forget the beauty. it's so easy to forget why we're here.

and all the days seem a blur at this point, a blur of all the things written in the planner, a blur of all things me. yes, i try even to find some semblance of giving attention to my maker but even the reading of the word is most often done on the days when there is so much, too much, and lord please give me rest and strength and that is why i flip open the book and try to feel "good" again.

but each time i open the book i know the conviction. because all the earth declares the glory of god, yet does my mind give one thought to him throughout the day? i am here today because of him, walking because of him, breathing because of him yet still the heart cries me, me, me.

and if i could see him, if simply i looked upon the face, i would die in the greatness of it. fall down in terror because of how great god is, how holy, how marvelous, how beautiful, how awesome. and with a god so great how can i ever lose sight of his greatness?

because i still wrestle with this flesh, pulling at it trying to get it off me, but until the last breath is taken the flesh will always be pressing hard against me crying my own name instead of the name of my maker. 

and so again and again i pray the prayer that i should've learned by now i need to pray at the start of each morning : my heart doesn't always want you, god. and i am so, so sorry. but please place in me the desire for more of you and less of me. please peel off the hardness of my heart so i can finally hear your name in all the minutes of my days and sing it back to you, instead of being stuck like a broken record screaming my own.

image : tumblr