always it has been

my life has been a life of caring too damn much.

caring too much about what people think, what the clothes i wear say about me, if the parents are proud, if i am being a good example for the kids i babysit, if i am being kind enough, if my hair really is too messy and what people think about that, if people think my jokes are funny, if that thing i said to that person was too curt or too passive or too aggressive or too anything.

and the funny thing is the more and more i live the life of caring the more and more i see that people really don't care all that much. they don't care if i got a bad grade in biology, they don't care if my hair is a bit too frizzy, they don't care if i had an off day, they don't care if i am not perfect. in fact, when i let people see how just imperfect i am they tend to feel more comfortable with me, more comfortable to reveal their own flaws, more comfortable to be authentic. and yet still i care too damn much and it sucks the joy from my life.

always it is has been the caring.

and isn't it sad how we live like this? how we live walking on eggshells because what do they think of us? and do they like me? and i wonder why he didn't ask me out? and i wonder why she never texted back? and it is so sad because we care so much about ourselves.

so much about what people think of us, and how we can look better, and how we can just one more like on that status because maybe just maybe i'll feel loved, and how we plant ourselves in the pathways of that cute guy or that pretty girl and we shove our way into their love because if they were our significant other maybe we would feel significant and my life is a story of myself and your life is a story of yourself and all of humanity has a story written of ourselves. 

always it is has been ourselves.

but i have longed, am longing, to reach that place where i don't look to you and your faces for affirmation but just look upon my jesus and see his face and taste and see that his love is good. i have yearned, am yearning, to be so consumed with my maker that you, and them, and caring, and myself blur out of the picture until it is only my maker, only my beautiful redeemer, and i am falling on the face because how could i ever be good enough? and i can't but yet he loved.

always it has been his love.

and it is living in the authenticity that makes our hearts thrive. and it is living in the acknowledgment that i am not perfect, not desirable, not awesome that puts me in a good place with the lord. because does not the bible say that in our weakness he is strong? and oh, do i have the weakness. oh, do i have the things that make me slimy and ugly and imperfect. but thank you jesus for grace and love and you that fills in the gaps that glare me in the face. thank you that i can live in the midst of my weaknesses because this is not a story about me, but of you.

always it has been about you.

image : tumblr