it is so hard to see the beauty, the true beauty. to see the beauty and to name it and to call it beautiful and to claim it lovely. because my definition of beauty is found deep within the roots of our culture that strangle away the truth of what beauty is. yes, my definition of beauty strolls in dressed with perfect hair and perfect skin and perfect make-up and perfect legs and i have yet to find a verse in the bible that reads this definition but still when i pray for my heart to be beautiful it is hard for me to not connect beauty with the way my body looks and walks and where i fall on a rating scale of attractiveness.

and i wrote in my journal this morning, when the snow was like dust on boone soil and the sun peeked through the large windows and isn't the sun the best alarm clock? because it doesn't make noise, doesn't scream you awake, it simply rises and grasps our attention with its radiance and warmth and splendor saying "wake up, dear one. it's time to live today." and as the snow-dust shimmered from the sunlight i wrote this : lord, make in me a heart that reflects and cultivates the beauty of you.

and isn't it hard? to know what beauty truly is when our eyes have the lenses of kim kardashian and the bachelor and cosmo?

because i pray for beauty of the heart yet my heart is screaming for beauty of the body. screams for beauty to be admired by the onlookers and the passer-bys and people to stop and approve of the way my hair falls or my arms look or my eyes shine.

and so i turn to a book, the book, the words god chose to give us and i hope my heart will learn to feast on it and learn to pray fervently for the lies i believe to be shattered so i can finally see and believe and realize the truth. and i read what beauty is to you, o god, and i realize how different it is from what tv tells me and i seek you and your beauty because my hair will turn gray and my body will shrivel up and babies will make my hips wider and my tummy bigger, but who can steal the beauty of a heart that is transformed and made beautiful by the lord? who can take away the holy spirit and his continual sanctification of my heart?

and we all, with unveiled face, beholding the glory of the lord, are being transformed into the same image from one degree of glory to another. for this comes from the lord who is the spirit. 2 corinthians 3:18

and i will give you a new heart, and a new spirit i will put within you. and i will remove the heart of stone from your flesh and give you a heart of flesh. and i will put my spirit within you, and cause you to walk in my statutes and be careful to obey my rules. - ezekial 36:26-27

and you will know the truth and the truth will set you free. - john 8:32

image: tumblr.