12/10/13

jesus.




I sit down to pray because what else does one do when the heart is heavy and the friends are lost believing they know truth when the truth is not in them and the body is tired from the long days? I sit down to pray because this is child approaching her father.

And oh how heavy the heart is.

I try to find words, but there is so much, too much, and where do I begin?

Jesus. I whisper. And sometimes that is enough. Sometimes all I need to do is say his name, call out his most precious name, and does not the Spirit intercede? Are we not promised the words when words are the one thing we lack?

Jesus. 

Because I don't know where to begin in the tangled web of life. I don't know the words to say amidst this big mess. I don't know what to say because this is serious and all I can do is sit, searching for the words in earnest.

Jesus.

And oh how much disappointment there is buried deep in the moments of the day. Because people are people and why haven't I learned not to expect perfection out of them yet? But I still do. I still look at them with eyes that want them to be everything I want them to be. Oh, how much expectation and pressure I put on the ones I love.

Jesus.

And I still have my battles with that thing, that thorn in flesh, that mountain of a challenge. And I want it to go away and why hasn't it already? Because how much it holds me back, how tightly it binds me up, how fervent a grip it has on me each day.

Jesus.

And I never stop the calling, the crying, the singing, the saying of his name.

Jesus. Jesus. Jesus.


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