11/28/13

look at these hands



She looked at me with her golden hair glistening from the sunlight streaming in onto the chair she was sitting in. She had her feet propped up and a cup of tea on the table to her left. "See this hand, Savannah?" she asked of me.

I smiled, wondering what the game was we were about to play. She sipped some earl grey and then turned her eyes back on me, waiting for my reply.

"Yes, Mawmaw.* I see it." I answered.

She sat down her cup of tea and did a little giggle---the sobering kind that shows you understand the truth of the words you are about to say and it scares the hell out of you but you're trying to laugh anyway. "This hand is 73 years old."

I held her wrinkly hand that had pushed doors open full of opportunity, had held and nurtured three children, had loved a man for more fifty years, had brought gifts for many and served God continuously. These beautiful aged hands had spent thousands of hours in front of a sewing machine. And those hands were now covered by the reflection of what her hands used to look like---no wrinkles, soft, young.

I don't fear growing old. I'm not in deep despair that soon I will get lines on my face, less speed in my step. I don't look at my face as Dorian Gray did and wish to freeze it forever in it's youth and beauty.

But I do fear death.

I fear losing my Mawmaw's perfectly wrinkled hands that taught me how to sew on buttons and play Jingle Bells on the piano. I fear waking up decades from this moment, aged and tired and fragile, and finding myself alone.

The hope of heaven is beautiful and exciting and mysterious and overwhelming. So overwhelming that my puny mind cannot grasp it. Like Edmund and Susan and Peter, the cry of Lucy doesn't stir in me the longing for heaven---but once I'm there I'm sure I'll never long to return.

So I am still and rest in the hope of the promise that I have. I rest in the promise of eternal worship of my Maker. I rest in him.

*For all of y'all not from the south, the word "Mawmaw" is synonymous with grandmother.

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