on the mountaintops and in the gutters

"We all know people who are miserable on mountaintops, and we all know people who are brimming with contentedness even when bills are going unpaid or health problems loom." - Shauna Niequist

I try hard to keep the muttering under my breath, barely audible, silent screams of frustration. Because just once I wish that this---all of it---could've gone the way I had planned.

I had it all down in ink---my dreams, my expectations, my longings. And like a sneaky thief in the night, I woke one morning to find the ink smudged and the paper coffee stained and my dreams smeared in the oozing of life and mishaps and uh-ohs.

And I cried to God, shouted at God, questioned God, got angry with God, sobbed in the bathroom floor with running mascara and pounding fist and clenched teeth to God. Why... don't.... you.... fix.... this. Because it is hard to be Job when your trust is not in the hand of your Maker, when your belief is not in his sovereignty.

This has always been the case with me. Plans change, hopes crumble and I fall into a pile of disbelief asking the why's and how could you's and it shouldn't be like this. My trust is so fickle and fragile and conditional.

For even in the good my eyes have filters that look for what is wrong, what could go wrong, what likely will go wrong. I see through a lense of what if and it leads me spiraling into worry, anger, frustration.

And if only I could ask Paul to tell me the secret. To tell me how to be content in all things---in plenty and in hunger, in abundance and in need.

For I am worrisome and discontent in both plenty and hunger, in both the abundance and the need, because the core of my being, the depths of my soul, is in a drought needing trust to satisfy. I need faith to remove the discontentment, for iF I don't I will never learn how to cry "thank you" even when the car dies or the doctor calls or the alarm doesn't go off to wake me or the friend stops calling.

For when I let the trust of who my Maker is take hold of me, when I let the realization that he is sovereign and he is good and he has a plan and his ways are higher I can finally breathe, finally be on the mountaintop or in the gutter and sing "It is well! All is well! He is God."

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