autumn's child

I lean back, spine against the bench and feet softly resting on the cobblestone beneath them. My eyes are closed as I breathe in deep---no time to wonder who is walking past, giving funny looks, wondering what sort of drug I might be on---just me and him in this moment.

Autumn is pregnant in the air, in the leaves. Ready to burst forth in a red, orange, yellow circus, on the edge of her seat in anticipation for the leaves to fall and the cool air to usher in change.

What is life full? I ask him. Life lived? What does that life look like? What does it consist of? What does it steer away from? Why does it so often dance around me, singing its wooing song, only to rush away when I reach out, striving to grab it for myself?

The questions pour as I breathe in and out and in and out and autumn stirs with restless pre-labor pains and I just want to know the answers.

I know of those who live each day with eyes wide open. Those who listen and reflect, laugh and rest, rejoice and comfort.

I had two conversations today that I left struggling to remember what was said between us two. Us two alive and beautiful hearts, us two souls placed in side bodies destined to grow old, us two holding onto stories and secrets we long to tell if someone would just ask to hear them.

But I left their heart and that conversation so consumed with long to do list and full schedule and heavy complaints that long gone, forever forgotten was what their heart had shared in that moment. What their lips spoke to me, what their eyes said in hopes I would hear them.

I stop and confess and breathe in and breathe out and breathe in and breathe out and autumn goes into labor and she is coming and I am waiting and it is painful and messy and captivating and special and I am in awe.

And then at last I finally see! Finally have opened my eyes, thanked God I am alive and stepped into the life that is a life well lived. And I repent, turn away, shake the dust off of those years lived not living and I dance before my maker and creator and finally live.

And I hear their hearts and I listen to their souls and I finally understand what their eyes were telling me and autumn is here and she is beautiful and the colors are like a circus and I rake leaves up into a pile only to jump into them again because this is our hearts dancing in this moment and it is beautiful and I am thankful for this life I have finally started living.

image: source