7/18/13

tenderness & gentleness: how to scare a man




In today's world, when it comes to romantic relationships, a library of information is available to us on the topic. Simply check out at a grocery store and the magazine headlines will offer ample options when needing advice: How to Turn Friends with Benefits into Something More, Moves your Man will Love in Bed, How to Get the Guy you Want.

Long are the days where boy meets girl, boy likes girl, boy pursues girl, boy woos girl, boy and girl fall in love and get married. Now it is more girl thinks boy is cute, girl texts/calls/messages/tweets boy incessantly, boy is flattered and kind of scared, boy and girl hook up, boy and girl hook up again and again and again, boy and girl decide to date, boy and girl move in together, girl/boy wants out, boy and girl never speak to each other.... until that new year's eve party where they get drunk and hook up.

Sure, this is not how every relationship goes but one cannot refute the fact that the customs, traditions and ways of wooing have changed drastically over the years. Even looking at our grandparent's love story compared to our own we see major changes. One of the most striking differences in romantic relationships is this: the stomping out of tenderness in a woman.

Men love the chase. We have likely all heard this. Men love to pursue the girl and win her affection. But today we are told that a girl can, and should, take charge.

The thing is, though, if a guy likes you he will make it known. He will do whatever it takes to get your attention. My parents met on a weekend retreat and really hit it off on the bus ride home. My mom said she drove home and thought, "That was nice. Too bad I will never see him again." But my dad went through several people to get her phone number. He then called her often, sent her flowers on her birthday and wrote her songs. He wooed her. She didn't chase him.

Think this sort of relationship advice is only for the small town loves? Think again. Kelly Ripa's husband, Mark Consuelos said that "guys don't like to be put on a pedestal or, you know, have their butts kissed... Honestly, that kind of freaks us out. We definitely like a challenge."

Guys like mystery. In Justin Lookadoo and Hayley Morgan's book Dateable, which gives advice to high school students on the hunt for a date, a chapter is titled "Girls, Shut Up and Be Mysterious." This chapter is not advising women to not voice their opinion or have conversation, but simply to keep their heart revealed until a man deserves to know it. Too often technology has given us as girls the platform to bare all parts of our soul. But beauty comes in revealing our heart to those whom have gained our trust.

So how are some ways we can create a heart of tenderness that doesn't share all on first meeting? That doesn't chase the guy until he finally relents and goes on a date with you? In How to be a Hepburn in a Hilton World Jordan Christy gives some practical advice: do not make the initial call, do not text incessantly, do not social media stalk, do not expose too-revealing parts of your life to him too soon, do not plant yourself in strategic spots (oh, come on, we have all done it).

Beyonce once said, "When you really don't like a guy, they're all over you, and as soon as you act like you like them, they're no longer interested." Maybe Queen B is on to something...


How can you become more mysterious? Do you think reveal too much, too quickly? Do you think this has made some of your past relationships suffered?


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