not understanding

I don't claim to be a philosopher by any means. I don't have all the answers, I cannot tell you why there is hurt and brokenness in the world, I cannot explain to you all the mysteries of this life---the good or the bad.

My feeble mind tries to wrap its understanding around such things, like a newborn wrapping her tiny fingers around her daddy's thumb---the connection not met, the full circle is never made, for we are all just too small, too finite, too little to understand, to grasp the truth and the magnitude of our great God.

It is easy for me to believe in a God when I am in my garden, when the spring breeze whispers comfort and the trees sway to their own secret dance. It comes naturally to believe in God when I am being held by my family and friends, wrapped up safe and sound in their love and tenderness and grace and laughter. The realness of God is apparent to me when I hold a small baby, hear a child's giggle, watch a ballerina dance, embrace a hug, experience a kiss, hold the hands of the old and young and feeble and strong and healthy and ill and frightened and secure.

But to believe in a God in the other times? To believe in a God when I watch my friend lose his mom. To believe in a God when I hear a dear friend cry life's hardest tears. To believe in a God when I watch a tornado destroy a city. To believe in a God when I hear of children murdered in cold blood. To believe in a God when I feel like the loneliest, most un-loveliest person on the planet. To believe in a God then?

It's where the fingers do not connect around the thumb, where my brain stops short and wonders how and why and who could allow such a thing.

My lack of understanding is my problem. And my lack of understanding is my answer.

For this I know with firmest conviction: my maker is good. Your maker is sovereign. Our maker has a way of doing things that are perfect, though we may not get them all just yet.

And so I lean deep into my lack of understanding. I sail across the rocky and rough oceans of life on this sailboat of not understanding. And I trust that one day I will understand. One day I will reach the shore of my father's kingdom and I will be lifted high on his greatness and say, "Oh. I understand now. I see why that happened. I get that this must have happened for your name to be known."

But for now, I will trust my lack of understanding.