5/16/13

i still don't understand.

I don't know how many times, how many nights, I have stayed up late waiting for the other bodies in the home to fall into deepest sleep as I allowed myself to talk aloud to my Maker, trying my best to not lose my temper in my desperate pleadings, asking why the past year has been the way it has been.

It has taken me so long to understand why my oh-so-well made out plans did not come through as desired. Why the last bit of my first year in college was spent in my Carolina home, when I had hoped it'd be spent with other bright-eyed, hopeful eighteen year olds in a dorm.

But sitting here, knowing I can sleep in a bed I have slept in for years, knowing I can wake up a woman who carried my body for nine months and carried my heart for eighteen years more if I need to talk, or wake up the man who has shown me the love of a true, just father if I hear a funny noise from outside, or wake up my should-be, could-be sixteen months younger "twin" sister and say I have the urge to watch Arrested Development and she'll do that with me. Sitting here knowing that all those things are within reach, ready for me, taken for granted all too often.

I still do not know why I have been granted this, gifted this. I do not know why I am so lucky to get a second chance, a second chance of what could be my last months living with my parents. I do not know why God so graciously gave this wretched heart another sliver of life's most precious gift: time spent with one's loved.

And these confused beggings turn into humble thank yous. For I do not deserve what he has given me.

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