1/26/12

Why I Will Be an Emotional Mother and I Hate People...

I sat there crying in front of a dance hall.

No. No one had died, called me ugly, or broken one of my body parts. I was actually dropping off the 8 year old girl, Mikky*, who I have been picking up from school and hauling to dance classes about 4 times a week for a few months now. Now the reason of the crying goes deeper than the fact that I feel an attachment to this little girl. That I've grown to love her passionate speeches, stories of her boyfriends (yes! boyfriends!) and 3rd grade drama. It also goes deeper than the fact that I was listening to "Never Grow Up" by Taylor Swift while sitting there (which, in my defense, could make a grown man cry).

The reason I was crying was because my heart was heavy. Yes, as dramatic as that sounds, my heart was and is heavy. It feels like a sack with 3 pounds of sand in it. Why? Because of what I've learned about Mikky and her life since I have began watching her. I have learned that, apart from coming from a broken home, she has little to no positive attention in her life. No morals have been given to her, which became apparent when she informed me recently that her best friend wasn't listening to her so she told her to "Shut the f*ck up and pay attention!"

And then she told me the whammy this past week. I was sitting, listening to her talk, when she said, "My friend is obsessed with sex." (Okay, she didn't say sex. She said sexy without the y. Still the innocence of a 3rd grader...) I asked her what she was talking about and she began to reveal to me how her friend will watch videos on the computer of people having sex. And then, recently, her best friend had walked in on her mom having sex with a woman.

Yeah.

So, what am I to say in that situation?

Over the last few days she has continued to bring it up and I have continued to ask her if she watches these pornographic videos and why her friend watches it, etc. Today she got kinda fed up with my questions and said, "I'm allowed to watch it Savannah." So, I pulled out my phone and told her I would call her dad, just to make sure. She said he doesn't allow her to watch them... but her mom does.

I instantly wanted to throw up. It sickens me enough that this innocent 3rd grader is watching porn when I grew up as 3rd grader thinking eating watermelon seeds made you pregnant. It sickens me enough that this little girl knows and uses the f-word when my curse words growing up were stupid and crap. It sickens me enough that this little girl asked me as she was walking into dance class today for my number in case she started feeling bad. But her MOTHER gives her PERMISSION to view PORN.

And so I sat there crying to God. I was mad. Not at God, but at the people we are and the human nature we possess. I am angry that not everyone gets to grow up with the God-honoring parents I have who support me, protect me, and nurture me. I am disgusted that I am having to be this girl's parent when I should be the cool nanny who gets to spoil her and keep her secrets.

I believe that God can use this and he can use me to help Mikky. I believe that He did intend for us to have life and have it to the full. But I am so mad that we had to mess it up. That we let our selfishness, pride, and evil get the best of us. And that people must grow up with daddys who leave them, mothers who abuse them, and family friends who sexually violate them.

I look at my life. At how great I have it. I have both of my parents. What's more, I have two parents who think the world of me. I have two parents who have taught me to put God first and have disciplined me in love. I think of how easy it is for me to believe God loves me because I have the two best examples of love actively in my life.

And here this little girl lives, with a mother who taints her innocent mind.

It sucks that this is the world we live in. But, when you have days where you are crying about how bad people's natures are, remember this: our God gives and our God takes away. He makes all things work together for our good. His ways are above our ways and His thoughts are higher than ours. Even when we get fed up with our lives, He never gets fed up of us. His love is the only thing that can ever make us complete---regardless of if we have a dad here on earth or not, regardless of if we are fed or not... in HIM we are complete.

What's more, we can hope in this: one day, if we allow the Daddy who is standing here waiting on us to run into His arms and never look back, we will spend eternity in a state of pure and untainted love. We will live in peace, joy, and experience life in the best, fullest way possible. It will be like nothing we could ever imagine and nothing we have ever known, yet we will arrive and know that this is what we have been waiting for our whole lives. It will be the one place we can come and do what we were designed to do: worship our Maker. And it will be the one place we rest in and will be able to say with full certainty: "I am home."







Names and minor details have been changed to protect this situation and the family. If you guys would please pray for Micky, her family, her situation, and me as I continue my nanny-ing position it would be greatly appreciated.

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