1/18/12

My Wednesday of Melt Downs, Rap Music, and Expectations.



I begrudgingly made my way to my car and took the 20 minute route to my church. It was (is) Wednesday and I had band rehearsal. Now, I love my band, the music, the church, my youth group, but I was not in the mood tonight. I wanted to curl up and watch a movie. I wanted to eat french toast. I wanted to go to the cafe down the street with my friend. I wanted to do anything but go to my youth group.

This past semester I have taken on the roll of "Impact Intern" which basically means I sit in on meetings, connect with new comers, and, when not a part of the band, help with the behind-the-scenes aspect that makes the experience so incredible. Again, while I love the responsibilities I have, I have found how easy it is to make those roles a chore instead of a passion. And that is exactly what is happening.

I ache to feel something again. Anything. I longed to come to youth group and truly enjoy it because I loved Jesus and loved the experience I just had.

But instead, here I was, 10 minutes into my trek towards 4:30 rehearsal, listening to rap music (Why? No clue. I was trying to get the Satan out of me) and trying to talk myself into at least attempting to work up some enthusiasm for tonight.

I got to the rehearsal and tried to make my way through it with little to no contact with the others. Literally. I just played my bit and checked out. Then we got to the time that has become a ritual of sorts for us. We sit in a group, talk a bit about why we are here and what is going on in our lives.

As my youth pastor's wife began to talk, I began to suppress tears. She described how much God gave for us and how our only response can be giving it back to Him. She told us how we can't rightfully tell people, "Hey, come sing and worship with me" and not truly be in it. She told us how we can B.S. her and the audience as much as we want, but God knows who we are and what we think and what we do. Talk about a silent room. No one said anything. No words really could be said.

You know countless times I have heard that sort of talk. Countless times I have responded with, "Mmm... that's good stuff" and then made my way about my day not letting it affect me. And then, others times, I will respond with what I felt this evening: a cry to be set free.

I get it. I am dead. I am not truly living. I have so much pressure and expectation placed on me by my youth group, teachers, friends, and self and I feel like I am in a never ending cycle of walking on egg shells making sure what I say, do, and believe is up to par with what they think I should say, do, and believe. 

But, guess what? I, in a sense, hold the power to free myself. Yes, it is God in me who will do the freeing, but I have to make that step towards Him. I have to read my Bible. I have to talk to Him. I have to initiate conversation. I have to open up. I have to let God be God and me be me and not worry about anyone else. And once I begin that journey He will not only meet me there, but He will take over.

So what am I going to do? What are you going to do? Are you going to go about your normal day living like Jesus isn't for real? Or are you going to wake up and live?

I know I can be an all or nothing kind of person and when I don't feel like I am all out for God I just want to stop. A lot of times I think to myself, if I can't be Jesus, I'm not going to try to do any Jesus-like things. But guess what? I--you--don't have to be Jesus. We don't have to be perfect. We can't be perfect. But, He has always loved us and always will. We just have to make the effort to say, I know I am not God, you are, so come and be You in my life. Then, we have to allow Him to do that.

Screw the expectations and the pressures and the people who hold them over your head. You are not God. You never will be. And that is okay. So let Him take over and let Him forgive you and wipe your slate clean when you need it to be. And then move on... And live.




(I WOULD LIKE TO SAY THAT IF YOU EVER BEGIN TO THINK I AM THAT CHICK WHO POSTS A BUNCH OF STUFF ON FACEBOOK/TWITTER ABOUT JESUS OR THAT SINGER FROM CHURCH AND BEGIN TO BELIEVE THE LIE THAT I AM MORE "CHRISTIAN" AND MORE "AWESOME" AND LOVE EVERYTHING ABOUT MY LIFE READ THIS AND YOU WILL SEE THAT I DON'T. IF YOU EVER LOOK AT ME AND THINK, "OH, SHE HAS IT ALL TOGETHER" READ THIS. YOU'LL STOP. I HAVE/DO THE SAME THING TOWARDS OTHER PEOPLE AND FINALLY REALIZE THIS TRUTH: I'M NOT PERFECT. YOU ARE NOT PERFECT. SO LET'S STOP EXPECTING EACH OTHER TO BE.)

1 comment:

  1. Nicely put, right there with you. Stay strong in the faith. Dont give up, even in the darkest times.

    ReplyDelete