10/15/11

The Question That Haunts Me

I sat there in the quiet coffee shop (all silence except for the obnoxious TV before me---who in the world watches TV while in a coffee shop?!?!) staring at the table. On the table lied the question that had been haunting me for the last thirty minutes, yet, if I had to admit, had been haunting me my entire life:

Why do I believe in God?

I took a sip of my hot tea. I sat my hot tea back on the table. I re-positioned my legs. I got up, walked to the bathroom, closed the door, looked in the mirror, and walked back to my table.

The question was still there.

Why do I believe in God?

It wasn't leaving. Written right before my eyes in my sloppy handwriting, on a piece of cheap notebook paper was the question that I was facing.

I wish I could tell you I wrote down really quickly a reply. Something like, "Cause the Bible tells me so," or "because God is awesome," or "because of all God created." But, I didn't.

I just sat there. I didn't want to answer it with a stereotypical, church kid answer. I couldn't, because if I did I knew I would be fooling myself.

The thing is, God does make sense. I mean, there had to be something to create this universe. There had to be a beginning and Someone had to begin that beginning. But, I'm no longer satisfied with accepting the truth of God simply because it is culturally expected. I am no longer okay with living up to the expectations of my family.

I have been atheist before. It sucked. It seemed fulfilling at times, but I had no real purpose. I was without life, without hope, and without love.

I surrendered myself to the pursuit of Christ.

For the past two years I have been thinking I had found Him. I found Him at church on Sunday, at Bible studies, in conversations with family and friends about His greatness.

But, what if God is not meant to be contained in only certain conversations under certain circumstances? What if I began a pursuit of God in every aspect of my life?

What if I said, "No more finding God in a church building" but "I am going to find God and the church on the streets, in crowded clubs, at the park, and in the midst of chaos"? Would I find Him?

I don't know what God is wanting me to do, but I can tell He is wanting to do something.

I can tell He is tired of my lukewarm, church girl living.

'Cause guess what? Life isn't all about church.

Yes, I have finally realized how necessary church is (coming from a hard core anti-organized religion believer this is a pretty big deal) but it isn't everything. Because the way I do church is on Sunday mornings.

The way God calls us to do church is everyday, in every situation, and in every moment.

No more lukewarm living. No more rehearsed answers. No more living life half-ass.

This is God. He is the boss. He decides truth. He tells us where to go, what to say, and how to say it.

And if we let Him, we may even find God in every single second of our lives.

Now, doesn't that sound like an answer to, "Why do I believe in God?"